Sunday, March 01, 2015

The time it takes to heal

My last post shared the news of Dodger's death. Even then, the news was weeks old. At this point, over three months have passed, but it still hurts. Still, I'm trying to cling to the happy memories and let the heartache go. It hurt when the girls died, but I feel like I dealt with those losses better. That may be because I still had canine love in the house to help me through.

For a lot of reasons, we're not getting another dog now. We will, someday, but not now. I just wish I could stop hurting so much. And one of my silly little joys related to the dogs has now become a bit of salt in the wound. I'd rewrite song lyrics around the dogs. In the past couple of years, mostly around Dodger.

These days, the Dodger songs run in my head all the time. I'm not a religious person, but I sometimes feel there's more. I honestly don't know, but I hope there's a spirit that lives on.

Today, I said to Marc, "do you think Dodger's spirit is here with me?" Marc said yes. I said that I feel like he must be. I know my love for him may just have me obsessed with him, and maybe it's that simple. But maybe, just maybe, he is here by me to this day. Actually, right as I was having that thought--and right as I was getting ready to say that to Marc, a little bundle of Dodger fur blew across the floor in front of me. I don't know where it came from after all this time, but it was in some little corner somewhere, and then there it was in front of me at just the right moment. A sign? It sure seems like it.

Worrier that I am, I then asked Marc if Dodger will be upset when the day comes that we get another dog. Marc said that Dodger will understand, because he knows how I love doggies. Still, now I'll worry about that. *sigh* It's not easy living in this head!

In the meantime, I'm trying to remember how he had so much more happiness in his life than pain. I guess I'm getting there, but my own pain is still there. Still, this photo, taken late in his life with his new friend Sid, is a good reminder of what a happy boy he was...

Tuesday, January 06, 2015

The best little boy in the world is gone, and we are crushed

If you read this blog, you may also be connected to me on Facebook. If you are, you know this already. But just in case...

Anyone who knows Marc and me knows how dear our pups always have been to us. You also know that we lost the girls in 2012. Thankfully, our wonderful boy, Dodger, kept on going. I could go on and on about Dodger... how smart, sweet, loyal, tough, wonderful... but no words could do him justice.

On November 28, 2014, we lost our boy.

His health had been failing for a long time. We did everything we could, got him every kind of help we could find, but in the end, some things are beyond everyone's power to stop.

It got to the point that his quality of life was gone. As the vet told Marc, with the amount of pain and other meds he was on, if he couldn't even sleep--which is where he was at--his pain and discomfort were severe enough that the meds couldn't control it. He was "maxed out" on the meds. He couldn't get comfortable, he couldn't sleep, he couldn't stand without help (he even had a special harness to help us help him without causing pain), and even then he couldn't stay up long. He'd even gotten to the point that he couldn't get from lying on his side to his belly.

Still, getting myself from saying those things to really feeling that we'd done that right thing has taken a lot. We've both been suffering, but this really has been an amazingly crushing blow for me. I think it's more than just losing our boy, but more on that in another post. For now, farewell to our sweet, wonderful boy! You'll be in our hearts forever, and I hope there's something after this life and that I get to hold you in my arms and pet your pretty head again! I love you, baby!

Tuesday, November 18, 2014

Refugee Thanksgiving

Next week, we're hosting Refugee Thanksgiving! What's that? Well, in case the name doesn't make it obvious, that's what we call the dinner we host for friends who... well, who have nowhere else to go, because their families are far away or for any other reason. While we invited lots of friends, many do have places to go. Still, a handful have accepted our invitation, and we know it's going to be lots of fun, as well as a great feast! (We do throw a pretty good party, you know.)

In related news, I just noticed that our guests are going to be such a rough looking group. (Okay, maybe not.) I swear, I didn't invite just hot friends, but here are the confirmed guests so far...





Rumen's partner, Neil


Five rugby players and a dancer. All of them handsome.

I have to endure such hardships in my life!  ;-)

Sunday, September 28, 2014

How about some rugby photos?

I think I should add a little color to this blog. Color and some men to look at!

(Click them for larger versions)

I was going to add captions to these, but what's the point? But if anyone ever wonders why I head out so many Saturdays to photograph the boys on my rugby team, well... that's because they're my friends. Nothing more than that.  ;-)

If you want to see more, the full set of photos (101 photos of hot men) is here:

Slowly turning into Dad

Marc was up very early to go supervise a 5k race his hospital was running, so he had Dodger out early. Once Dodger was up, he spent the next hour or two nagging me to get up and feed him. Despite my insisting that he go back to sleep (really, it is Sunday!), he kept at it until I surrendered. That canine persistence always prevails!

Since I was up early anyhow, I got an early start on chores, paying some bills, throwing out junk mail, etc.  One big accomplishment was scanning a bunch of documents and then shredding them.

All in all, it has been a very productive day so far. The house is a lot neater, and I feel inordinately satisfied. Being this satisfied with chores--as well as marching around in slippers--makes me feel way too adult! Granted, lots of the guys on the rugby team probably see me as an old man. Still, in my head I feel like a kid. But between the hair (not) on my head and a variety of other things, I think it may be true. Somewhere along the way I grew up, despite my best efforts to avoid it!

Friday, September 26, 2014

It's hard to see a loved one getting old

Dodger worries me. He's very old. I know that. We've gotten him through all kinds of things where other dogs' humans would have given up. But as long as we can give him a good quality of life, we'll get him whatever care he needs. Not living just to draw breath, but if truly have good days he can enjoy, that's worth it.

Lately, his back legs--long a source of trouble--have gotten very weak, a problem exacerbated by a balance issue called Vestibular Disorder. He also cries sometimes, particularly at night. Marc is worried that he's feeling pain, but Dodger is smart and has always been good at getting people to do what he wants (and he was the same with his sisters when they were still alive). So I think he's just complaining and demanding things. That often seems to be the case. Many nights when he cries, if you open the bedroom door and let him go to his water bowl to get a good drink, the crying is done. The other night, I thought he might want to hang out with us (he was acting that way), and sure enough, we put him on our bed, he cuddled up between us and was asleep in no time. The crying stopped the moment he was lifted onto the bed.

Even so, he takes a number of medications for arthritis, related pain, and dizziness (from the vestibular disorder), as well as vitamins and probiotics. He needs those to get by comfortably, and I do worry that somewhere along here we'll run out of things we can do for him. While I realize we all have to depart this earth eventually, and he's about 14 years old now, so I won't really be justified in claiming it was "too soon" when that day comes, he's my boy, and I'll be devastated whenever it happens.

There's an old line (Shakespeare?) that says a coward dies a thousand deaths, but a brave man dies but once. I'm not saying the idea of my own mortality doesn't give me pause, but the thought of losing a loved one troubles me more--and I am way too good at imagining that day. Earlier today, when Dodgie was really out of it, as he sometimes is, I found my eyes filling with tears. I'll cry when we lose him, but even seeing him this late in life can be tough.

Sunday, August 24, 2014

The randomness of life and chance meetings

Today, we had our friend Andrew over for a visit. Actually, we have a few friends Andrew. This Andrew is a friend from Toronto, and now that he's headed back into NYC, we were just discussing what a sweetie he is and how glad we are that he's our friend. Then I was remembering how random our initial meeting was and how life--and friendships--can turn on moments that could easily never have happened.

We met Andrew on a train from Manchester to Edinburgh when we were in the UK for the Bingham Cup rugby tournament in 2012. We'd finished the tournament and were heading to Edinburgh for some sightseeing. We found our car on the train, and the conductor took us to our seats. After we all were seated we found ourselves sitting with two nice looking young men (never a cause for complaint!), friends named Andrew and Tom, who were wearing what looked like rugby clothes. So we asked if they happened to be coming from a tournament. Sure enough, they'd been at the same tournament, playing with their teammates from Toronto.

We introduced ourselves and had a lovely conversation on our way to Edinburgh. Once we got there, we parted ways, wishing each other well and saying we'd keep in touch online. Later that day, we went to take a tour bus around Edinburgh (something we often do on the first day of a visit to a new city, so we can orient ourselves). When we got on the bus, who was there? Andrew and Tom. After that, we decided we all should enjoy Edinburgh together.

Since then, the NY welcome mat has been out for both of them. Tom hasn't visited us yet (n.b., they aren't a couple), but Andrew was in town with friends for a couple of days. He decided that today he'd head out our way, and we had a wonderful time!

What amazes me is that a chance encounter led to a friendship with a wonderful guy. How easily could we have been seated in the next set of seats? Or the next car? Or on a different train? Or we could have flown. Or they could have. Or any number of ways that things could have gone differently. But that didn't happen. We all sat together. And then to see them on the bus later that day?

It's even less likely than our unlikely connection with our dear friend Keir. If our teams hadn't been paired up... No, it's not even that big. If Keir hadn't run late to the joint dinner of their team and ours, he wouldn't have wound up sitting with us. But he did and he did, and now we have a close friend we otherwise wouldn't have gotten to know. Funny how those things work!

And hey, Tom, when are you coming to visit?  :-)

Tuesday, August 12, 2014

An interesting realization

For some time now, I have been using my iPad to read e-books. I've had a Barnes & Noble Nook e-reader for a few years, but the iPad seemed more convenient, letting me read books without switching devices, after I had been using the iPad for e-mail, reading the newspaper, magazines, etc. So several months ago, I stopped using my Nook.

Recently, Marc mentioned that the light from the iPad may be bad for me to look at before going to sleep. He'd read about such light interfering with the mind's process of getting ready to sleep. Since I do most of my reading before going to sleep, this did seem like a serious issue, especially since I don't sleep enough as it is.

So I decided to brush off the old Nook, charge it and start using it again. I'm not sure if it makes for a better sleep experience so far, although I think it may, but one thing I noticed is that it is a better reading experience. It's not just that the Nook screen is easier on the eyes (which it is), but rather that there are fewer distractions. With the iPad, I would check e-mail, respond when a Facebook notification came up, etc. With the Nook, I just concentrate on reading the book. Definitely a better way to go!